words

words are indeed very powerful.

able to convey thoughts and emotions.
able to affect feelings; make someone smile, laugh or cry.

what are words if you really dont mean them when you say them?
what are words if they're only for good times, then they dont?

déjà vu

the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced had been experienced in the past

i experience déjà vu very commonly, 
so much that it sometimes creeps me out.
its like this really strong sense of familiarity.

i'll freeze and try figure out what happens next.
most of the time i divert myself, change my actions to sort of snap out of it.
but sometimes i cant control it.
especially when the action is by someone else.

like just now omg, three flashes of déjà vu.
ahpok msn-ed me, bimb whatsapped me and my reply to both was the same.
next moment i received an sms and i somehow knew it was gonna happen too. 
my expression is usually quite epic at times like this. :x

chnl 8's drama beyond actually suggested a reason behind déjà vu.
smth like parallel universes, as a result of our decisions.
really got me thinking, what if its true?
i see it as a flashback, cause somewhere in another dimension i have alr experienced it.
so, how would i be in those parallels?
:OO

i'd be a kick-ass vampire with naturally red hair. LOL.

or maybe a successful doctor specializing in oncology. i'd find the freaking cure for cancer.

or i'd just stay as i am right now, cause i love being me. :D
most of the time, at least. 

purging

decided that i have no use for such toxins in my life.
2013 is indeed separation year.

thanks and bye.

the white room

you walk into a room.
its all white, with no windows, just a door.
what would you do?

a. stay. b. leave c. do something

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

this room, represents relationships.

when i was asked this question, i wasnt told what the room represented.
out of the options, i chose c.

why not make something out of nothing?
no one said i was empty-handed, i.e. with no tools to change/deco the walls.
it has potential to change ma, i thought.

hahah. my thinking at that time kinda reflects my naivety.
overly optimistic, believing all efforts will bear fruit in the end.
overly confident that i could make a difference.
overly trusting that i have the ability to make things better.

actually the room represents more than relationships. its life in general.
not everyone will choose the same option.

some people stubbornly stay.
they refuse to change, neither will they leave.
they're just holding on.

some people choose to leave.
cold, bare and there is nothing worth staying for.
why not let go and move on?

people like me, choose to do something about the situation.
but how do i know when its time to stop trying?

we can never force people to leave if they want to stay.
we can never hope for people to stay if they want to leave.
we can never ask for people to stop trying.

because the outcome can only be their own choice.

the serenity to accept what i cannot change,
the courage to change what i can change,
the wisdom to know the difference.

真的真的真的真的很累了

i've alr lost track of the amt of times i've wanted to just break down.
feel so emotionally, mentally and physically tired.

everything everywhere everyone can be a trigger.
this reminds me of that, that links me to another.
a million gunshots just waiting to resonate out.

i really dont want to collapse.
because i have no time to.

why didnt anyone think of getting me a capsule as a present instead. :/
shut myself inside a bubble and let it drain my worries dry.

starting to think that feeling nothing is better than feeling at all.

random thoughts II

we arrive in this world alone, and we die alone.
so why do we fear being lonely?

change is permanent, but i should always be me.

what doesnt kill you makes you stronger everytime,
dont let them tell you how to live your life.

i dont want to grow up.
to leave my dreams behind.
to learn how to live by myself.
to become cynical and twisted.

tomato or corn soup for lunch?

i'm sickened just by the sight of your face.
never knew i could feel such abhorrence.
what happened?

everyone is selfish.
live with that fact.

what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller.
doesnt mean i'm lonely when i'm alone.
what doesnt kill you makes a figher, footsteps even lighter
doesnt mean i'm over cause you're gone.

where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
if i'd known how to save a life.

if you need to change yourself to please someone,
please change that someone away.

i have a love/hate relationship with my intuition.
sometimes i wish it wasnt that creepily accurate.

what is true and what is reality?

favourite thought today, quoted from taupok :
life is exactly like an ECG.
filled with ups and downs.
without them, we're dead. 
*beep*

old school - hedley

Don't believe everything happiness says
Nothing feels better than hiding these days
We bury our fears in the drinks, in these tears
For the days we believed we could fly

Call up your brothers and sisters and friends
We'll go back to the place where the night never ends
We'll remember the fires, the burning car tires
Boy how in the hell did we get here?

So why don't you meet me, down behind the old school
We'll waste away the weekend, with perfect regard for how
Cavalier we used to be, that beautiful insanity
The apathy's surrounding me
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away

Over and over and over again
We sat down for a minute, grew up into men
Now we're putting out fires and changing car tires
Man how in hell did we get here?

So why don't you meet me, down behind the old school
We'll waste away the weekend, with perfect regard for how
Cavalier we used to be, that beautiful insanity
The apathy's surrounding me
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away this time

And we'll never get back what we
Gave away, when we still have that fire in our eyes
Don't believe everything happiness says
Nothings as real as our old reckless ways
When we drink by the fires
The burning car tires
Bad girls and good liars
The dreams we'd conspire
The days we went crazy
The nights wild and hazy
Man how in the hell did we get here?

So why don't you meet me, down behind the old school
We'll waste away the weekend, with perfect regard for how
Cavalier we used to be, that beautiful insanity
The apathy's surrounding me
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away

Why don't you meet me, down behind the old school
We'll waste away the weekend, with perfect regard for how
Cavalier we used to be, that beautiful insanity
The apathy's surrounding me
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away

resignation

i should accept the facts by now.

that i will never be truly accepted because of my insistence.
that i will never get the happy ending i want.

should stop lying to myself.

never had a dream come true - s club 7

Everybody's got something
They had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday
That just seems to grow with time

There's no use looking back, or wondering
How it could be now or might've been
All this I know
But still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come true
'til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And tomorrow can never be
Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind

There's no use looking back,oh wondering
How it should been, now oh might've been
All this I know
But,still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come true
'til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, Say you will,
You know you will oh baby
You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back,oh wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how hard I try and try
I just can't say good bye
No no no no

favourite song when i was what, sec 1? HAHAHA.
felt so nostalgic listening to it. :B

sometimes we have to learn to let go to move on.
no matter how painful, living in the now is better than living in the past. (:

thank you

for your care and concern
for your listening ear
for loving me
for being there
for trusting me
for believing me
for the surprises
for letting me know you
for understanding me
for accepting me
for being my family.
for being my friends.
for being my bimbos. *this is for jh, shirlee, and potentially ahsai. hahaha.
for being my shopping buddy.
for being my breakfast/lunch/dinner/supper buddy.
for pranking me
for providing gossips.
for singing k with me
for working with me
for your tolerance
for letting me cry on your shoulder
for teaching me
for helping me
for scolding me
for humilating me cause i learnt how to fight back.
for letting me know how twisted humanity may be.
for showing me how love is really like.

for being part of my life.

*wanted to write an even more long ass post but i got lazy. :B
so i just word vomited every single thought of gratitude i felt at the moment.
its not everything but i mean everything i said. right now.

happy 2013!

its the first day of 2013 , and im sitting on the hotel room floor. LOL

cant sleep right now cause im alr timed to be awake :x 

which is ironic cause usually i cant get up on time.

2012 has been a year of milestones for me. 

officially turned 21, legally an adult. 

yet somehow i feel as if ive alr been responsible for alot of things for a long time

kinda miss the times where i didnt have to care or worry as much

freedom means a whole lot of difference to me now. 

officially a driver too!
getting more confident on the road. ^.^V
hehe though i'm un-insured.
personal furthest record was to sembawang camp.

taupok finally went public LOL

its a small step but at least my parents accept him

not gonna be smooth yet, but at least i no longer carry guilt

now its just other feelings and issues tt i have to deal with

worked for more than a year as well 

this May will be my second anniversary with sgh. 

learnt many things, tolerated quite some fair bit of shit too. 

worklife is nvr as straightforward as school life

just have to adapt and know how to protect your own back. 

that being said, i feel tt im actually v blessed 

cause i have an awesome team of colleagues to work with

really, everyone is essential if you wanna clear 2xx patients in a morning

some burdens you really wish you could share 

but its tied to you and you have nowhere to loosen it.