#ThankYouLKY - A conclusion to the end.

Today is the last day of the National Mourning Period, for Mr Lee Kuan Yew.

It is also the darkest day of the past seven days.

Mr Lee Kuan Yew is no more.

He has gone up in a blaze of fire, and finally at rest with his wife.

What used to be our founding father, is now interred in an urn.

His legacy, what he left behind, is modern Singapore.

His strong and indomitable spirit has been highlighted through the many tribute videos we've seen.

His love for the country will not be forgotten.

In these past seven days, we've seen the heartwarming actions of many Singaporeans.

We have felt the pride, as well as overwhelming sense of grief, amongst the people.

Mr Lee, in death, somehow still managed to ignite a spark of hope in everyone.

Of course, there has been an ugly side on social media.

Intially, I told myself, to not to read anything with scathing titles.

It is probably not going to do anything useful, except to make me angry.

I focused on the positives instead.

Personal words of tribute poured into my Facebook feed.

Everyone started to change their profile pictures, into the black ribbon of remembrance.

By the second day, however, I started to notice a trend.

My malay colleagues and friends, who had previously been very active on Facebook regarding sharing of news, had gone silent.

I was puzzled.

I thought that maybe I had missed out on their messages, because how can any Singaporean not be affected by Mr Lee's passing?

I was quite shocked to find out that I was wrong.

I whispered to Pok about my concerns.

I wondered if it was because of the fact that if Mr Lee had not campaigned for racial equality, 

we may still have been part of Malaysia, and the Malays would have had better benefits for housing and education?

He told me that majority of the Malay community has feelings of dissent regarding Mr Lee,

due to his comments regarding the surge of Islam in one of his books.

He reassured me that nevertheless, there are still those who respect him deeply, even if they do not express it.

That is true, because while I was queuing under the hot sun on Wednesday, 

I did see people of all races braving the relentless weather together.

However, I can't help feeling disappointed.

I am not a particularly religious person.

I don't understand much about Islam, but I have interacted frequently with Malays. (duh)

Some of them are more religious than the others.

I admire the kampung spirit that they have, because I've felt the warm hospitality at Malay weddings.

One brave soul shared this story.

I think respect to all, regardless of the religion, is the underlying message.

Mr Lee may have been wrong with his comments, but was he not human?

Was his comments so harsh and insulting, that it negated all that he had done for Singapore?

Perhaps staying silent would have been better than showing outrage, or glee (shame on you, Amos Yee), 

but I wished that more of them would have be magnanimous and brave enough to express their gratitude, 

instead of pretending that nothing has happened.

That would just be faking ignorance.

Moving on.

Mr Lee firmly believed in meritocracy.

If you have done something, merit will be accorded to you.

You would have earned your role, your rank, due to your value and contributions.

One must always fight for what is important, only then you will appreciate what you have achieved.

I think it is sad that some young people do not understand this.

We, as a young generation, were mostly born in an era of comfort and plenty.

Most of us did not suffer as much as what our ancestors did.

Our generally prosperous state is now possible, because it was earned with the blood, sweat and tears of the older generation.

The Chinese have a saying.

When we drink water, we must remember its source

It is a way of acknowledging our success, because to the even very basic human being, there is an origin.
We are here, on this earth, because of our parents.
Even if some may come from a broken family, it is up to that individual to fight for his/her better future.

I remember, when I was in Secondary One, my literature teacher was being stereotypical.
She was actually quite rude
She commented that children who came from broken families usually would not be able to succeed,
due to the lack of parental love and proper guidance.

One of my classmates was visibly upset and angry.
She wanted so much to shout at the teacher, to correct her insulting words.
However, she controlled her emotions throughout the class, and only ranted her anger to us later.

Had she burst out in a fit of anger, wouldn't she have proven my idiotic teacher right?

All our thoughts are ours, and ours alone.
However, it is our actions which are going to have an impact on the people around us.

In an era of liberal thinking and social media awareness,
We need to think much more about the consequences of our actions.
Often, it is no longer just a support/disagree reaction you get.
Many people have different points of view, and even more different ways of expression.

So at this point, it is even more important to reflect on what we, as Singaporeans,
can do to continue on our forefathers' hard work and legacy.

We need to be grateful more often.
We need to appreciate what we already have.
We need to fight more strongly for what we believe in.
We need to not just voice out, but start taking actions to improve.
We need to continue to be one united people, regardless of race, language or religion.

This is what I've reflected on during this sad week of mourning.

Finally, I wish to end with my thoughts of the entire day:

I've never felt prouder to be a Singaporean.
The heavens poured, but the nation never wavered.
The soldiers soldiered on despite the unrelenting rain.
Everyone was united in the face of sorrow.

Mr Lee would have been very touched, and very proud.
Even in death, he has rallied us together once again.

Rest in Peace, Mr Lee Kuan Yew.

#ThankYouLKY

The passing of Mr Lee Kuan Yew, Singapore's founding father, must be the most talked about topic today.

Official statement from the Prime Minister's Office.

Since I was young, my aunt has always told me that Mr Lee Kuan Yew is her hero,
because he changed Singapore and enabled us to live in a secure and safe environment.

Every National Day Parade, as we gathered around the tv to watch,
my da gu gu would always anticipate the moment where Mr Lee would appear on the Grandstand.
Without fail, she would stand up and clap enthusiastically when he finally made his presence.

I didn't fully understand this excitement, until I actually studied Social Studies.
Merger, everyone knows.
A clean and green Singapore, that was also his vision too.

Singapore has been very fortunate because our founding Prime Minister Mr Lee Kuan Yew was a pragmatic environmentalist even before green became fashionable. He understood and pursued a philosophy of growing our economy whilst protecting the environment.

- Dr Vivian Balakrishnan, 2014.

For me, he is a great man, who gave up much of his youth fighting for his ideals, for his country.
Singapore is a small dot on the world map.
People scoffed at him, but he stuck on to his principles and proved that he could transform Singapore.
Through his iron fist and determination, Mr Lee did many things and allowed us to stand out.
Geographically our size is the still same, but our presence internationally is more than that dot.

I remember, on the train in Seoul, a Korean man asked us which country were we from.
When we said Singapore, the first thing out of his mouth was this:

Singapore? GOOD. Lee Kuan Yew is a very good man. 

He then proceeded to talk to his neighbour about Singapore and Lee Kuan Yew.
#ProudToBeSingaporean

Read this on SGAG and I thought it was a meaningful pun.

There was a time, where people said Singapore couldn't make it, but Yew did. 

Of course, he was not perfect, and had his own critics.
There's no denying that some of his policies and actions were harsh, but politics is as such.

Mr Lee was fully aware of it.
In an interview in 2010 with The New York Times, he said this:

Let me give you a Chinese proverb: Do not judge a man until you've closed his coffin.

I may still do something foolish before the lid is closed on me.. The final verdict may not be in the obituaries. The final verdict will be when the PhD students dig out the archives, read my old papers, assess what my enemies have said, sift the evidence and seek the truth. I'm not saying that everything I did was right, but everything I did was for an honourable purpose. I had to do some nasty things, locking fellows up without trial.

Right now, this quote is especially powerful and poignant, because the coffin has indeed closed.
The man that is our founding father, how will the future generations remember and honour him?

I hope that we are able to learn from not just his wisdom and tenacity, but also his faults.

For someone so powerful to admit that he did wrong, takes courage.
He was said to be arrogant, but perhaps he did earn that right.
He had an authoritarian personality, but if not for his absolute beliefs, would Singapore have progressed?

No matter what is being said of him, I believe that actions speak louder than words.

I have never been over-concerned or obsessed with opinion polls or popularity polls. I think a leader who is, is a weak leader... And that's not what I am in this for. Between being loved and being feared, I have always believed that Machiavelli was right - If nobody is afraid of me, I'm meaningless.

Without him, I believe that Singapore would not be how it is today.
Maybe we would still be able to succeed, but how far and how different?
No one really knows,
but the fact remains that our current state of success is attributed to the far-sighted wisdom of our founding father.

He has also touched me with his devotion to his wife.
Here's a link to an article that his daughter wrote, after Mrs Lee passed away:
Love does indeed spring eternal - Dr Lee Wei Ling

It shows that no matter how powerful a man, he has emotional moments of vulnerability as well.
It is a reminder that Mr Lee Kuan Yew is only human, and not just a ruthless political giant.

So, although it's extremely sad that Mr Lee Kuan Yew could not see Singapore reach its 50th year of independence,
it is also a kind of relief that he is not suffering anymore.
It is a form of release, because he can finally be reunited with his beloved.

I would like to end off with my favourite quote of his, which I came across a few months ago.

Good or bad, justified or ruthless, 

there's no denying the contributions Mr Lee Kuan Yew has made for Singapore.

RIP Mr Lee Kuan Yew, and .thank you.

You will always be remembered.

#thankyouLKY

As I record my thoughts, here's a random one:
For us, the younger generation, it's the dawn of a new era.
Especially with the rising power of social media, and in the age of free speech and liberal thinking,
how will we carry on LKY and all our previous leaders' hopes, dreams, and legacy?

It's a question worth pondering.

3

Dug out my old albums and found this photo.

This was my first birthday.

One of my most cherished photos.

It was the last time I was overseas with ahgong.

Glad I took the jump and asked for special permission from my supervisor and lecturer to go; 
I was having my internship during then.

Ahgong before he was sick.

Always smiling, with his hands behind his back, and with a Marlboro between his fingers.

During mid-autumn festival. Ahgong so cute, he said this is his hat.

Behind the scenes. Hahahaha he was trying to make ahma laugh, 
and ahma was like, siao la you, ngong ngong! (Another word for goondu) :)

Thumbs up for genting! :D

I randomly did this action and ahgong copy cat me. :)

Ahgong was just nice at NCC for his radiotherapy during my lunch break, so naturally I had to visit him!

He saw my name tag and took it from me. Stared at it for a moment, then happily clipped it on. :)

Three years have passed, and it still doesn't feel the same without ahgong.

I've stopped crying every night, but now and then I think of memories and I can't help but tear. Especially when I see patients who share similarities with him, like the striped shirt he loves, the same hair style..

I wish I could show him what I've achieved, wished I could have at least showed him my diploma gown. But it was all too late.

Even till now I still wonder, if things would have been different if I had been at home to take care of him.

It was only one night which I had been away..

真的不甘心。

I seek solace in knowing that he didn't suffer a lot when he passed. It was peaceful, without much struggle.

But I still miss him a lot.

And there's no known cure for this hole in my heart.

another year

yet another year has passed.

the memories are still vivid.
the emotions are still fresh.
and the scars still tingle.

we've moved on with life,
but you're always on our minds.

wishing you were here to see how cute baby fishball is.
wishing you could have seen jh wearing her diploma gown.
wishing that you can see how bonded the whole family is still.
wishing you were able to go genting with us again

a million things to tell you. countless words unsaid.

but you're always watching over us, arent you ahgong? (:

never knew i could hurt like this
everyday life goes on but
i wish i could talk to you awhile
miss you but i try not to cry
as time goes by

and its true that you've reached a better place
still i'll give the world to see your face
and i'm here right next to you
but it's like you're gone too soon
now the hardest thing to do is to say, byebye.

and you never got the chance to see how good i've done,
and you never got to see me back at number one
i wish that you were here to celebrate together
i wish that we could spend the holidays together

i remember when you used to tuck me in at night
with the teddy bear you gave me that i held so tight
i thought you were so strong
you'd made it through whatever
its so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever.

your eldest granddaughter still misses you.

下雨天了怎么办，我好想你

such a rainy, grey evening.
and some thoughts made my day additionally gloomy.
_______________________________________________________________________________

it was such a simple conversation between my colleagues.
adele was talking about how her daughter loves fish porridge.

and i thought of my ahgong.

he disliked fish porridge, especially after he fell sick and his taste changed.
due to the tumor pressing against one of the vocal nerves, he also couldnt speak.
ahma didnt realise it yet; she thought fish porridge would be good for him.
and who can blame her?
she has to undertake the mental and physical stress of taking care of her frail husband.
its not easy at all.

ahgong couldnt finish it almost all the time.
one bowl was all he could take. and sometimes less than that.
ahma was so upset whenever he started shaking his head, indicating he had enough.
she felt so helpless, cause he barely ate anything.

i happened to be feeding him one day, on a monday.
i remember because the market is usually closed and there was no fish.
so he had carrot and potato porridge.

i thought of this brilliant idea to place smaller amounts into a bowl.
and you know, if he saw that he could finish "one" bowl,
he'd be encouraged to eat more.

and ahgong did. (:

i kaypoh asked him if he liked the porridge; he nodded.
then i asked him if he preferred fish or this kind.
hahah, i can still recall his face when he heard fish porridge. 皱眉头 ttm!

from then on, ahma never tried to make him eat fish porridge alr. :B

______________________________________________________________________________

i went back to sgh last wednesday.
flooded by a torrent of memories, as usual.

seeing NCC, at first i felt really upset.
its not a good place to have to walk into.

but i recalled, how ahgong took my intern pass and clipped it to his shirt.
how he asked his oncologist if he wanted to join us for bak kut teh.
how he loves to drink the starfruit juice there.
how he found it really silly to go there for a 10 minute radiotherapy every day for 3 weeks.
seriously! he goes in there, takes out his shirt, 5 minutes later can go home liao. hahah.
i can never forget the shocked expression he gave when we said he could go home. :D

_______________________________________________________________________________

its been almost two years since ahgong has left.
yet small details can still trigger off a string of memories.

we lose our loved ones and we learn to accept and move on.
but we never forget. ever.

HOTA

finally received the letter from HOTA.
and I was ready to fill in the yellow form to opt in for MTERA when my mum stopped me.

*just as background info:
- once you hit 21 you're automatically under HOTA, which states tt in the event of brain death, your organs, namely the kidney, liver, heart and cornea, will be harvested and donated.
- MTERA is an optional scheme where you can choose to donate more parts e.g. lung, bones, skin, etc, for medical/treatment or research purposes.
- brain death is different from cardiac death, and there are lots of criteria which you have to fulfil before you are eligible for organ donation.

short rant about the criteria:
WTF ITS SO HARD TO QUALIFY.
must die in hospital, must be brain death.
the only situation where i can think of,
is if someone clobbers me on the head hard enough to make me suffer brain injury.
not as if i want anyone to try la, but its slightly sickening to know that i might not be of help :/


and to be honest, brain death is really a hard fact for people to accept.
cause the person still seems 'alive and breathing', 
as the life support machine is still ensuring that circulation and respiration is continued.
but there will never be any chance of waking up. NEVER.


it takes great strength to switch off the machine, and even more so to allow transplant after that.

so my mom was like, panicking when she heard i was considering donating my organs after death.
literally begged me not to do it, cause she said losing me would be hard enough. :/
actually i hesitated abit after hearing her pleading. for few seconds.
but then i thought of all those people i could potentially help, so yeah sorry mum. not gonna opt out.

and she damn cute, take away the booklet cause she thought she could prevent me from joining the scheme.

actually had discussed this issue over dinner before. with relatives my mum's side.
dont know why we were talking about such a morbid topic though. :B
their points were similar;
about how difficult it would be for the family members to accept, and how the deceased would feel, etc.
because being the religious sort, they believed that the soul would still be present in the body for a period of time after death, and hence any sort of operation would cause the deceased to 'feel' pain.

but.. i'm already dead. keeping my organs with me to the grave would be like bringing my atm card along.
rather than waste it by incineration, why not donate it to the people who need it desperately?
sure i 'might' feel pain, slicing through my skin and fats (wtf),
but what is pain compared to the patients?
they have been waiting for a miracle to happen, and since i can help, i will.

i voiced out my opinion, and the whole table went silent and stared at me LOL. *paiseh*
really, i'm not trying to be brave or 伟大 but its really just how i feel.
i know how important organ donation can be, and how one can change lives.

take my own boyfriend's dad for an example.

he was diagnosed with kidney failure 15 years ago,
and he received a transplant only 3 years back.
thats close to 12 years of weekly dialysis treatments tt he had to go through.
imagine, having to be poked by a thick needle every week for 12 freaking years.


this is a picture of an arterioventricular fistula.
renal failure patients may go through a surgical procedure to create a link between the vein and artery to allow easier blood flow during dialysis.

and if you think its nothing much..



this is how it will look like in the long run.

i first saw a arteriovenous fistula when i was at work.
as the patient rolled up his sleeve for me to take blood, i felt a deep pang of sadness for him.
to think of the pain he had to go through was.. unimaginable.

some other patients i experienced later even had them on BOTH ARMS.
some larger than the photo either, and sometimes you could even see it throbbing, pulsating.

i actually asked some patients if it hurts.
most of them told me. 我习惯了/ i'm used to it already.

... so heartbreaking.
imagine being used to PAIN.

and by some twist of fate i had the honour of poking ahpok's dad himself, LOL.
first patient of the day some more. hahah.

anyway, i realised i digressed a bit, but my main point is,
with the transplant, he never has to worry about the one day where his veins may collapse
and they have to find a different place to poke the needle in.
he can now do without the weekly visits to the dialysis centre, which affected his work,
as well as ahpok's mum who has to accompany him for each visit,
cause dialysis usually leaves the patient feeling weak.
and most important of all, he regained his freedom;
never will he need to depend on a mechanical kidney again.

Organ transplant definitely gives hope to not only the patients, but their family as well.

sure, there might be risks of rejection, which makes the effort goes to nought.
but i believe that if you never try, you may never know what impact you could make.

take it as the last good deed i do before i leave. (:

*and really. if in the event any shit happens to me, (CHOY)
please show this to my parents so they'll understand my wishes.

life after death

i think.. ahma might be suffering from mild depression.

a lot of times she's thinking of ahgong and crying.

and other times she has the misconception that everyone deems her as useless.

the truth is, i doubt even she knows what she really wants.

on weekdays, i make it a point to go back every evening after work.

sometimes she complains tt no one bothers to go back for dinner anymore.

only leave her at home to take care of baby wayne and do housework.

she likens herself to a maid. ):

she feels that without ahgong, she has no status and no importance already.

its not true.

my aunts would sometimes buy lunch back for her.

they have tried to call ahma to chit chat, but they always get scolded for nothing.

i think, to the point tt they are too sian to call alr.

making it worse was seeing her cry last weekend.

sunday has traditionally been our family day, everyone would come back for dinner.

so that day everyone was watching tv, playing with the kids. just like normal.

ahma was sitting near me.

she stared off into space, wiping her eyes as though i didnt see the tears.

she then began to open a cupboard near her, as if she was searching/tidying it.

when i asked her what she was looking for, she simply shook her head.

so even when the whole family is around,

ahma is still feeling the emptiness inside.

her behaviour is seriously making me v v v worried.

but i dont know what to do.

except to talk to her more, i have no idea at all.

someone help me? ):

actually it makes me wonder, how to people ever cope with death?

its such a permanent loss.

yes in spirit he/she is always with us.

but its also different.

i know that i definitely havent made a 100% recovery yet.

i cry occasionally, i feel this emptiness inside.

its really impossible to heal a gaping hole. is it?

i've wondered many times, what would happen if i died.

who would grieve, who would cry.

such a morbid thought. hahahah.

yet another emo post. sigh.

sometimes i really dont like to think about such things but it just pops into my mind. :/

one year since my ahgong left us. how time flies.

i remember the day super vividly.

was at clique chalet, watching the sun rise and feeling thankful for such a beautiful morning.

kfc breakfast after and was even planning to go www.

then all shit happened in one phone call.

sometimes i wonder, what if i was at home.

what if i was around to notice tt something was wrong, just like the first time?

why wasnt i able to make it back home in time?

should i have protested more strongly against the decision for him to undergo chemo?

all these questions, left unanswered and forever a mystery.

a regret that i will forever carry, not being by my ahgong's side for the last time.

its so unfair.

from the beginning, i've tried my best to stay near him.

hospital, home, at his every appointment.

why is it tt the moment i am away, he leaves?

and it came so suddenly i didnt even know how to react.

i just kneeled there like a dumbshit, saying sorry repeatedly.

but he was already gone..

its just unfair.

i wasnt upset tt he had passed on.

i was heartbroken because he went on without us being there.

in fact i had even tried to visualise his passing. morbid i know.

but in my dreams i wanted him to leave with all of us by his side.

we would cry, wail, but he would have a chance to see all of us for the last time.

dreams are fake.

and again, life is unfair.

now i look at our photo together, and i remember tt he is still looking over us.

so i have no choice but to cheer up and stay strong.

because ahgong didnt choose to leave, but he had to.

he left with the dignity tt he had, no pain no suffering in the last moments.

he left remembering our smiles, not the tears.

he may not be physically present anymore, but he's always in our hearts.

this is what i tell myself whenever i face those questions.

one year might have seemed sufficient to forget, but everyone is still quietly grieving.

its like a wound, getting better but the scar is still there.

there's this hollow feeling sometimes. like a black hole, an abyss.

when i'm with my family, it feels much better.

reminiscing and visiting him and sometimes crying does help to ease the pain too.

whats the most potent cure though?

i look at ahma. and remind myself tt its now my responsibility to take care of her.

we lost our grandfather, but she's lost her lifelong partner, her pillar of support.

he was much much more to her, and her pain is defintely immeasurable compared to us.

so i morph into this super granddaughter mode and just smile and smile (:

and it helps that i have a super awesome circle of friends who always have my back.

my boyfriend and best friends are people that i cannot live without.

lending me their ears/shoulder, niamming, encouraging, comforting, cheering me up.

these are the little things that helped me through tough times.

so ahgong, i want you to know that i'm fine.

i know you're still here for us, watching us.

i'm still sad, but not living in regret.

still missing you, but i'll stay strong for you.

just like i always have. (:

my ahgong was born in the year 1934,

on th 9th day of the 3rd month of the chinese lunar calendar.

we dont know th actual date of birth cause he doesnt care about th usual calendar :3

he was an independent boy, working as a dishwasher to earn money when he was young.

once he got his pay of 50 cents, he ran off to get his tattoo on the left hand. :O

mai siao siao, my ahgong was second-in-charge of 双燕教 okay. *diudiu.

whenever you asked him when he started smoking, he would proudly say "13".

all th doctors that he would later see were so shocked :x

ahgong was super yandao,

but he was also a gangster and supposedly had many girls falling head over heels for him.

so when my ahma decided to be with him,

great grandmother told her not t regret her decision.

more than 50 years later,

ahgong still had not strayed, and neither were there any complaints from my ahma.

he's devoted, and loved my ahma too much t hurt her.

1991, when i was born, ahgong ahma welcomed their first grandchild.

despite me being a girl, instead of a grandson which th ultrasound promised,

they still loved and doted on me.

my ahgong was never one to 重男轻女;

he loved his daughters as much as his sons,

and his grandchildren were all his precious treasures.

my childhood memory of my ahgong, was that he loved us, but was stern at the same time.

he never liked us to make too much noise; if we did, he would frown.

but he always liked to look at us playing downstairs at the playground.

we would call up to the apartment and he would wave at us while smoking.

or at th bus stop; he would sometimes be smoking along the corridor and waiting for us to come.

in February 2010, ahgong was down with a bad cough, which sometimes made him breathless.

an x-ray scan showed a whitish mass in his left lung.

at th time, there was an unspoken fear among family members.

we had hoped that it wouldnt be cancer;

but i already had th suspicion that it would be.

sadly, my doubt was proven right and he was diagnosed with non-small cell lung carcinoma.

everyone was devasted, especially ahma.

however, we persevered tgt as a family.

took turns to accompany him in SGH almost everyday.

even when he had appointments, we would make time and go with him for support.

th oncologist was quite impressed with our family's rapport. (:

i remember an incident where i rushed over during lunch break, when i was having my SIP.

ahgong took my SIP nametag and clipped it to his shirt. sibei cute.

dont regret skipping lunch just for tt smile.

ahgong underwent radiotherapy and it was very successful.

th tumor had reduced by more than half and he felt stronger as well.

the doctor also gave us permission to travel, which my ahgong requested.

as usual, its KL + genting for us.

almost the whole family went, except my uncle.

who knew tt it would be th last? ):

but yeah i think he enjoyed th trip cause we spent alot of time w him. x)

started on chemotherapy not long after.

i was very resistant to th suggestion,

but i guess my aunts didnt want to rule out any hope for recovery.

chemo was stopped after he showed no improvement.

it was also around this time that his voice disappeared,

due to the tumor affecting th vocal cord's lymph node.

thank goodness for the good chemistry we had, if not we wouldnt be able to understand him.

palliative treatment was our option, with th focus on improving quality of life.

in th last two weeks, ahgong became more tired and kept sleeping.

he also had hallucinations and lost his appetite.

we could all see that he was in pain, but there was little to do except for encouraging him.

on 5th march 2011, i received a call from my eldest aunt while at clique's chalet.

she told me that ahgong was going t SGH, as he was breathless and had chills.

i was told tt there wasnt a need to rush home as th ambulance was on its way.

and there wasnt any emergency.

who would have known tt by th second call, ahgong's condition was already not good?

i rushed out and hailed a cab, crying on th way.

ahpok was on th phone with me, and i did calm down for awhile.

tears started dropping when i reached tanah merah, and i had this feeling.

as i stepped into th hse, i heard second aunt telling me tt ahgong passed away few mins before.

i couldnt believe my ears, neither my eyes.

but touching and feeling his cold hands confirmed th unevitable truth.

he looked so peaceful, as if he was sleeping as usual.

preparations for th funeral was wrought with endless amount of tears.

everytime i thought of him, i would either smile or cry. normally th latter :x.

it was hard trying to control my tears.

everytime i miss him i'd go t th coffin and watch his peaceful face and talk t him.

sorta helps me ease some of th grief.

out of th days, i'd say today was th worst.

th final goodbye is always th hardest.

i controlled my tears up till when they covered th coffin.

bth alr, machiam floodgate. D:

watching th coffin proceed towards th furnace was similarly heart-wrenching as well.

th finality of th door closing was simply too much for me to take.

surprisingly felt better after ahgong's photo was back at home.

there was some kind of peace tt i felt.

even more so when we collected his ashes and they told us he had sarira. or 舍利子.

awesome <3 div="">

so yes, for all those who are worried abt me, i'm better now. (:

but.. i was kinda envious cause almost everyone had their each other t be there for them.

but well, like what blonde said,

i'm lucky to have supportive friends, who could be there for me.

and th underground secret bf tt loves me as well. <3 div="">

so yeah, i must really thank my beloved clique for being so understanding and caring for me.

thanks shirlee, cliff, levon, wayne and ahsok <3 div="">

thanks hup song for visiting as well.

and thanks ahpok. i miss you ):

and finally, i love my ahgong. he'll forever be with me and my family, in our hearts (: