give me strength

life's been a bitch recently,
every single day has been fucked up in one way or another.
questioning myself if what i'm fighting for is worth it or not.
right now, my stubborn streak doesnt want to give up yet.

i dont want to give up my job cause it provides me with stability, in terms of both time and money.
however, its having the opposite effect on my emotions.
i'm more or less an angsty bitch at work. to the patients la, never to my colleagues.
the kind of verbal abuse and insults we get daily in return for our hard work.
sometimes it just gets so fucking frustrating.
my faith in humanity really hangs in the balance. -.-

plus the fact that the management doesnt appreciate us.
who has ever heard of increased workload, but decreased manpower? is that fair?
it doesnt mean just cause we're an efficient team, that you can throw more sai at us to pick.

it gets really busy to the extent, tt i have gotten used to not having lunch break and leaving late.

sometimes i wish i was more selfish and less dedicated to my job.
but knowing myself, its kinda hard cause i believe in doing the best i can for every task.
does this count as self-praise? hahahah.

when it comes to school, i dont know how to view it.
its another struggle to get back into the chiongster mode
and i worry that im not doing enough.
whatever energy i have left fter a busy day at work doesnt last anymore
i find myself nodding off while listening to elec,
sometimes even while writing my notes.
feel so pissed off at myself for being unable to function.
i know its not my fault but i just hate myself for wasting time.

and im afraid despite all my effort, i wont be able to achieve the grades i want.

such conflict.
working hard for my studies but ironically my studies suffer cause of my work.

i try not to think negative but really, there is only so much i can tolerate.
this past week was really shit,
ended up with many a night washing my pillow with tears .
sometimes i dont even know why i felt so down.
and i think i scared my mom when she saw me crying after i came home from work.
she was like OMG JINGTING WHAT HAPPENED. :x.

yeah and its not just my mom.
sorry to my dad, my sisters, 大姑姑, ahpok, bimb, von, sok and ahsai for making you guys worry.
thanks for your encouragement, really touched. ♥

i promise i'll try my utmost best to not break down anymore.

hang on and hang on till 2015 bahs.
thats all i can hope at the moment.