one year since my ahgong left us. how time flies.

i remember the day super vividly.

was at clique chalet, watching the sun rise and feeling thankful for such a beautiful morning.

kfc breakfast after and was even planning to go www.

then all shit happened in one phone call.

sometimes i wonder, what if i was at home.

what if i was around to notice tt something was wrong, just like the first time?

why wasnt i able to make it back home in time?

should i have protested more strongly against the decision for him to undergo chemo?

all these questions, left unanswered and forever a mystery.

a regret that i will forever carry, not being by my ahgong's side for the last time.

its so unfair.

from the beginning, i've tried my best to stay near him.

hospital, home, at his every appointment.

why is it tt the moment i am away, he leaves?

and it came so suddenly i didnt even know how to react.

i just kneeled there like a dumbshit, saying sorry repeatedly.

but he was already gone..

its just unfair.

i wasnt upset tt he had passed on.

i was heartbroken because he went on without us being there.

in fact i had even tried to visualise his passing. morbid i know.

but in my dreams i wanted him to leave with all of us by his side.

we would cry, wail, but he would have a chance to see all of us for the last time.

dreams are fake.

and again, life is unfair.

now i look at our photo together, and i remember tt he is still looking over us.

so i have no choice but to cheer up and stay strong.

because ahgong didnt choose to leave, but he had to.

he left with the dignity tt he had, no pain no suffering in the last moments.

he left remembering our smiles, not the tears.

he may not be physically present anymore, but he's always in our hearts.

this is what i tell myself whenever i face those questions.

one year might have seemed sufficient to forget, but everyone is still quietly grieving.

its like a wound, getting better but the scar is still there.

there's this hollow feeling sometimes. like a black hole, an abyss.

when i'm with my family, it feels much better.

reminiscing and visiting him and sometimes crying does help to ease the pain too.

whats the most potent cure though?

i look at ahma. and remind myself tt its now my responsibility to take care of her.

we lost our grandfather, but she's lost her lifelong partner, her pillar of support.

he was much much more to her, and her pain is defintely immeasurable compared to us.

so i morph into this super granddaughter mode and just smile and smile (:

and it helps that i have a super awesome circle of friends who always have my back.

my boyfriend and best friends are people that i cannot live without.

lending me their ears/shoulder, niamming, encouraging, comforting, cheering me up.

these are the little things that helped me through tough times.

so ahgong, i want you to know that i'm fine.

i know you're still here for us, watching us.

i'm still sad, but not living in regret.

still missing you, but i'll stay strong for you.

just like i always have. (: