detachment

i think there comes a time when you simply dont know what to feel anymore.
drained, empty and unfeeling.

too many fucked up things.
too much fucked up feelings.

times when i just use sleep as a cure, telling myself when i wake up, i'd be fine again.

i care, but i choose not to show anymore.

cause it seems like no one else bothers either.

那些你很冒险的梦 - 林俊桀

當兩顆心開始震動
當你瞳孔學會閃躲
當愛慢慢被遮住只剩下黑
距離像影子被拉拖

當愛的故事像聽說
我找不到你單純的面孔
當生命每分每秒都為你轉動
心多執著就加倍心痛

那些你很冒險的夢　我陪你去瘋
摺紙飛機　碰到雨天　終究會墜落
太殘忍的話我只說　因為愛很重
你卻不想懂　只往反方向走

當愛的故事像聽說
我找不到你單純的面孔
當生命每分每秒都為你轉動
心有多執著就加倍心痛

那些你很冒險的夢　我陪你去瘋
摺紙飛機　碰到雨天　終究會墜落
太殘忍的話我只說　因為愛很重
你卻不想懂　只往反方向走

我不想放手　你鬆開的左手
你愛的放縱　我擺不回天空
我輸了　累了　等你　再也不回頭

那些你很冒險的夢　我陪你去瘋
摺紙飛機　碰到雨天　終究會墜落
太殘忍的話我只說　因為愛很重
你卻不想懂　只往反方向走
你真的不懂　我的愛已降落

give me strength

life's been a bitch recently,
every single day has been fucked up in one way or another.
questioning myself if what i'm fighting for is worth it or not.
right now, my stubborn streak doesnt want to give up yet.

i dont want to give up my job cause it provides me with stability, in terms of both time and money.
however, its having the opposite effect on my emotions.
i'm more or less an angsty bitch at work. to the patients la, never to my colleagues.
the kind of verbal abuse and insults we get daily in return for our hard work.
sometimes it just gets so fucking frustrating.
my faith in humanity really hangs in the balance. -.-

plus the fact that the management doesnt appreciate us.
who has ever heard of increased workload, but decreased manpower? is that fair?
it doesnt mean just cause we're an efficient team, that you can throw more sai at us to pick.

it gets really busy to the extent, tt i have gotten used to not having lunch break and leaving late.

sometimes i wish i was more selfish and less dedicated to my job.
but knowing myself, its kinda hard cause i believe in doing the best i can for every task.
does this count as self-praise? hahahah.

when it comes to school, i dont know how to view it.
its another struggle to get back into the chiongster mode
and i worry that im not doing enough.
whatever energy i have left fter a busy day at work doesnt last anymore
i find myself nodding off while listening to elec,
sometimes even while writing my notes.
feel so pissed off at myself for being unable to function.
i know its not my fault but i just hate myself for wasting time.

and im afraid despite all my effort, i wont be able to achieve the grades i want.

such conflict.
working hard for my studies but ironically my studies suffer cause of my work.

i try not to think negative but really, there is only so much i can tolerate.
this past week was really shit,
ended up with many a night washing my pillow with tears .
sometimes i dont even know why i felt so down.
and i think i scared my mom when she saw me crying after i came home from work.
she was like OMG JINGTING WHAT HAPPENED. :x.

yeah and its not just my mom.
sorry to my dad, my sisters, 大姑姑, ahpok, bimb, von, sok and ahsai for making you guys worry.
thanks for your encouragement, really touched. ♥

i promise i'll try my utmost best to not break down anymore.

hang on and hang on till 2015 bahs.
thats all i can hope at the moment.

no river runs deeper than the tear from my eye

this line kept running through my head the whole day

...

exactly how deep can hurt go?

cant believe you'd say that.

最强悍的第三者永远都不是别人

而是命运

another year

yet another year has passed.

the memories are still vivid.
the emotions are still fresh.
and the scars still tingle.

we've moved on with life,
but you're always on our minds.

wishing you were here to see how cute baby fishball is.
wishing you could have seen jh wearing her diploma gown.
wishing that you can see how bonded the whole family is still.
wishing you were able to go genting with us again

a million things to tell you. countless words unsaid.

but you're always watching over us, arent you ahgong? (:

never knew i could hurt like this
everyday life goes on but
i wish i could talk to you awhile
miss you but i try not to cry
as time goes by

and its true that you've reached a better place
still i'll give the world to see your face
and i'm here right next to you
but it's like you're gone too soon
now the hardest thing to do is to say, byebye.

and you never got the chance to see how good i've done,
and you never got to see me back at number one
i wish that you were here to celebrate together
i wish that we could spend the holidays together

i remember when you used to tuck me in at night
with the teddy bear you gave me that i held so tight
i thought you were so strong
you'd made it through whatever
its so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever.

your eldest granddaughter still misses you.

Good Intentions - Dappy

I've seen a lot of things in life that words can't explain
See we ain't any different but we just ain't the same
They never listen when we tell 'em, tell 'em
All they understand is venom, venom
People only use you when you let 'em, let 'em
Well if that's the case then I'm the one to blame

Cause there's a man overboard
And the tides gonna drag him down
If there's a man in the clouds
Tell me where the hell is he now

Why is the silence so loud?
Have I thrown it all away?
Lemme know, Lemme know
Tell me is that what happens just for having a good intention
Look what happened to my good intentions

Why won't anybody answer my question
Why is the silence so loud?
I think I've thrown it all away
I don't know, I don't know
But lemme know
Hear me out before you label me the bad one

I'm walking through the desert but I'm drowning inside
No river runs deeper than the tear from my eye
You only make 'em get even bitter
I wish I wasn't such a giver
I apologise to my liver
Cause if that's the case then you're the one to blame

Cause there's a man over board
And the tides gonna drag him down
If there's a man in the clouds
Then tell me where the hell is he now

Why is the silence so loud?
Have I thrown it all away?
Lemme know, Lemme know
Tell me is that what happens just for having a good intention
Look what happened to my good intentions

Why won't anybody answer my question
Why is the silence so loud
I think I've thrown it all away
I don't know, I don't know
But lemme know
Hear me out before you label me the bad one

Am I wrong to think the worlds got it in for me
And am I right to say I'm longing for some sympathy
See I feel a sound, but I can't hear it
That's my heart strings getting played like a symphony

You know you turned me insane
Why you staring at window when I'm the one with the pain
You know you set me off the rails
And you'll be to blame
if you ever hear i jumped in front of the train
we're both fucked in the brain

Cause there's a man over board
And the tides gonna drag him down
If there's a man in the clouds
Well tell me where the hell is he now

Why is the silence so loud?
Have I thrown it all the way?
Lemme know, Lemme know
Tell me is that what happens just for having a good intention
Look what happened to my good intentions

Why won't anybody answer my question
Why is the silence so loud
I think I've thrown it all away
I don't know, I don't know
But lemme know
Hear me out before you label me the bad one

我们两人之间不需要这样