bind me with strings

i'd love to go overseas someday.

Taiwan, Thailand, Japan.

Japan, i definitely want to go before i kick the bucket. :B

but not now.

i have too many commitments, too many ropes tying me down.

i'd take leave, but there's school to consider.

only once a year does my school ever have a vacation, 

and its just a measly one week.

better than nothing i guess?

it gets so frustrating sometimes,

how i get left out of family trips and all.

i can only send them thru the gates, or hang around waiting for them to land.

i can only listen to their itinerary.

and they always have to hear my rejection.

life sucks.

and i'm glad you know it.

Graduation

its the time of the year again.
just last year, on 26th May 2011, we officially graduated from TP.
cant believe its been a year already.


I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day

everyone is busy with their own lifes.

sometimes it gets so hard just to plan a meet-up.

and i'm scared that i will one day lose this bunch of important people.

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down

These memories are playing like a film without sound
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly


As we go on, we remember all the times we've had together.

And as our lives change, come whatever, 
We will still be friends forever.

(?)

i'm still not over it

one emotional moment, when revisited, is enough to reopen wounds.
the tears just keep coming.

i still miss you alot, ahgong.
你在那里过得好吗?

心有余力不足

so many things that i want to do, hope to do but i just cant.
cannot.

still unbelievable

yes i still am very happy tt i can finally drive LOL.
its one of the biggest accomplishments i have in my life right now. HAHAH.

past few days i've been driving at every chance i've got.
first time i did i drove on the highway some more. :x
kinda not a wise choice cause i was still getting used to my dad's car.
scared my sisters a little. my mom alot LOL. they complained that i was jerky :(

cut me some slack lehhh, i've nvr gone beyond 60 plus dudes! my instructor is to blame!

okay no la actually michael is awesome cause he's super patient with me.
and he's very careful and somewhat strict about road safety, which is a good thing.
must thank cliff for recommending him (Y)

subsequent times were better i guess, cause dad stopped nagging so much.
for my own opinion, i feel tt i still need to work at controlling my speed and turning.
quite prone to sharp turns/wide turns. :x

just now was the best though. SOLO.
mwahahah i got to drive ahpok home. and fetch jx from ahma's hse. all by myself.
thanks dad for trusting me with the car :D
was kinda nervous at first, but deep breathes did the trick.
and nothing happened. even parked nicely HEHEH.

which is why i feel so happy now. :DD

happy mother's day !

thank you for bringing me into this world.
thank you for nagging at me to clean up my table.
thank you for being there for me when i'm down.
thank you for accepting ahpok.
thank you for working so hard to support the family
thank you for giving me two irritating but awesome younger sisters
thank you for EVERYTHING.

i love you laobu :D

officially a legal driver

SO SO SO HAPPY AND RELIEVED ITS FINALLY OVER.

thank you EVERYONE who smsed me to give encouragement and luck <3
you guys motivated me to do my best and not disappoint you all :D


best of all, both me and bimb managed to complete it tgt from start to finish!
took our BTT tgt on 4th march after signing up one week before.
and after much trials and cursing and gossiping abt our instructors,
we passed tgt on 11th may !

1 year 2 months. okay wtf tts actually longer than i wanted it to be. HAHAH.

but anyway, the feeling of passing is really surreal.
i cant even believe it at times man. its like OMG DID I REALLY? :D

tester was lenient. and the fuck, he tried to scare me sia !
cause back at the office he started off telling me tt my driving is still not v good.
and my heart sank like shit cause i thought i did okay.
*ESP THE SLOPE OMG THE SLOPE I OVERCAME IT *estatic*
at most just not v smooth and confident, but no major mistakes la.

so i started peeking at the demerit points list and trying to figure out whats the final score.
and panicked when i couldnt see it written on the same (first) page.
at that moment i was seriously considering never coming to ubi again :/
then he said "must improve ah. but i gave you a PASS."
i heard that bloody magic word and i started smiling like a monkey.
dont rmb what really happened, but i think i was only thanking him and smiling liao la.
:DDDDD pass pass pass :DD

and then abt 2 hours later, bimb came out from the tester's office grinning. HUAT AH. HAHAH.
was feeling v nervous for her too, paced up and down near the dropoff point for her return. :x

anyway now we're both convinced that we really are best buds. LOL.

and i still cant believe its over ! moment i've been yearning for.
being able to drive is shiok.
means tt i can go all over singapore easily alr ! food places here i come :B
and i've been saving up and scrimping cause lesson fees were another burden i had to shoulder.
on top of my own phone bill, transport fees and all shits miscellaneous.
need i mention my poly AND uni fees?
fuck this shit, sucks to feel like an adult long before i turn 21.

but i keep reminding myself that what doesnt kill me makes me stronger. (:

PASS PASS PASS PASS OMG!!

the very very sickening sentence

WE SHOULD MEET UP SOON .

i absolutely hate this sentence.

countless people whom i havent met in a long fucking while have said this to me.

and i tell you, the meet up almost NEVER happens.

if it happens it'll also be at another mass gathering.

where everyone around you is saying the SAME thing. its a collection of empty promises nia.

how soon is soon? when one of us turns 21 (again)?

or maybe when one day you need me for a favour?

as age catches up, you realise the world is really v hypocritical and realistic.

if you mean it, SET A DATE. DISCUSS WITH ME AND WE'LL WORK IT OUT.

its not very difficult right? not if you truly want to maintain this friendship.

*just a deviation, but ugh i hate 21st birthdays.

you feel so obligated to buy an expensive present for someone you barely know.

just because that person invited you to their party. whom they spent a bomb on.

and at the event you wont actually be able to talk to the host cause he/she is so busy.

its like some pre-wedding dinner rehearsal. just switch the angbaos with the present nia.

what happened to meaningful gifts and presents with thoughts?

thats why i usually avoid going for 21sts unless i know the person well. 

and you need to socialise with people and entertain them with polite qns wtf. 

its like CNY with kaypoh relatives who ask everyone the same thing.

call me anti-social, but dont lie to yourself when you know its how you feel inside, deep down.

i'd much much rather have a simple dinner with people i know. 

treat me macspicy i also dont mind. :D

i understand that as the days move along, people usually get distanced from each other.

due to schedule conflicts, or change in environment. 

sometimes you'll realise you dont see or talk to this person anymore. and its kinda sad.

when i appreciate the people around me, i make sure i put in a substantial amount of effort.

no matter how busy i am or how tired, i'll squeeze out time for my loved ones.

this is the one principle i am sticking to, and i'm proud to say i can do it 90% of the time.

i dont expect the same for everyone, but this is just how i will manage my relationships.

it takes two hands to clap though. irrefutable fact.

no point running after someone and slapping him/her on the cold shoulder right?

sometimes i try my best to make time, but if the other party doesnt, there's little i can do.

till some extent, i may just give up and just wait for him/her to u-turn.

cause in my opinion, there is always a point of return.

and if the distance just gets further, well. bon voyage and au revoir.

i'm still here if you miss me.

P.S. the last sentence doesnt apply if you're a bastard intending to make use of me. it aint happening.

Moral of the story? 

ASK ME WHEN I AM FREE TO MEET UP, INSTEAD OF TELLING ME SOON. 

thank you the tinsel rack !

mentioned ytd tt i won an fb like and share competition organized by TTR.
nowadays blogshops love to organise such things to promote their sales,
and actually i think its a good idea sia. you shld see my timeline, always flooded. LOL.

anyway this time was a random thing, cause i didnt even hope to win !
maybe i should have bought 4D ytd also, since my luck was so good ahahah. :B

so because i'm in such a good mood and feeling v grateful,
shall dedicate this post to TTR, as thanks for letting me win something. x)

the tinsel rack has become my favourite blogshop, out of the many i subscribe to.
their clothes always seems so comfortable and best of all, comes in many color choices !
i love clothes which makes me feel happy to be in. heheh.

so most of the time i end up getting tempted by their collections.
like seriously tempted, until i bug my bestf and bf and mom for their opinion on if i should buy.
their prices are totally worth for the quality la,
its just that i'm a very broke supporter :x

and i love love their customer service. always very efficient and friendly !
i rmb i had to delay payment once cause the atm couldnt issue receipts and i didnt have ibanking yet.
they were understanding about it and didnt blacklist me *touched*

just look at their formspring, always gotta entertain questions by customers, sometimes repeated ones.
and some rude people who love to criticise or make sarcastic remarks about everything.
its definitely not easy to handle such irritants, but they managed it well, so kudos!

not to mention the crazy timing they always stay up till to complete invoicing !
if i didnt rmb wrongly the latest (or earliest) ever was 5 plus AM IN THE MORNING WTF.
just to ensure that their treasured customers are able to see the sacred invoice once they wake up.
this is indeed very touching and worthy of applause ;)

most of the time i'm corresponding most with Joyce, ttr's boss/head minion.
she runs ttr with her younger sister Jolene, and i think they've done an amazing job. (Y)
me and jh have been talking abt opening our own for 2 years and nothing's happened yet. HAHAH.

i've been reading Joyce's blog, initially to sneak peek upcoming items.
but now its more like reading a friend's blog. (:
most people get the impression blogshop owners have super relaxing lifestyles.
machiam taitais, only eat shop drink and wait for money to roll in.
but read Joyce's blog and you realise that there really is hard work involved also.
so you really have to admire them for their efforts. :D

to show my love i'm gonna list out some items i was tempted with, and those i bought.
its a good walk down memory lane,
and Joyce & Jolene, if you're reading this. please feel proud of what TTR has managed to achieve!

endless temptations and loads of happy clothes for a very satisfied customer.
and i'm sure i'm not the only one. :D

my history with ttr began with the 32th collection !
chanced upon their site and i fell in love with the castles in the air chiffon kaftan top, muted indigo.

too bad it was already out of stock.
but i loved their site layout and their previous collections,
so i subscribed to their mailing list. (:

first purchase was from the 36th collection, front cascade high waist shorts in grey.

love love the comfortable and smooth material and the unique cascading detail.
at the moment i cant fit into it anymore cause i've lost weight, damn. probably gonna go alter it :B

collection 40, crusader's boyfriend blazer in classique cream with mint lining
a temptation that didnt translate into practicality.
didnt think the cream color was gonna stay pure for long, HAHAH.
but i love the contrast sleeves.


collection 41, wreath of joy tunic in berry pink.
i loved the floaty chiffon material and the cheery color.
but xmas period is not the time for me to buy clothes! too broke from gift hunting.


LOVE TOGA TOPS.
collection 43, angel sleeves toga in pure white/daffodil yellow
missed it, regretting now :(

 

can i emphasize on my love for colors? :D
collection 44's sunshine avenue dress in periwinkle purple and kelly green.
wasnt into wearing dresses at the time so i didnt get it.
like no reason to wear dress for lec/tut leh. HAHAH.

 

collection 51's urban legend high waist jeans in dark denim
ordered mine via restocks.
took me super long to decide on buying cause i was hesitant abt high waist jeans.
scared it'll make me took weird; i have a short torso-long legs body proportion. :x
but this pair disminished my fears :D

matched it with collection 56's lets play reversi tunic in orange/nude
ordered that via backorders.
the color turned out brighter than the original batch, but i loved it!
 

was tempted by collection 52's glow in the neon dress in fluro orange/blazing blue,
i love their bold use of colors! and the square sleeves.
but was too broke so gave it a miss.
 

collection 54, summer love high waist shorts in white. jh bought the same in dark denim.
     

while they were at collection 5x, ttr got a physical rack at KissJane Bugis. *pops champagne*
another place for me to visit besides bugis street, heheh.
everytime i enter KJ the first rack i'll go to is TTR. cause its nearest to the entrance LOLOL.
see, placed there for supporter's convenience :B

collection 62, tinkle bell's top in electric blue!
one of my top favorites. wanted it when i saw Joyce's preview on her blog.
the color + the pixie hem was loveeeee.
but when i tried it on at KJ, the cutting wasnt v flattering. so byebye. ):
nvm la, see it on their pretty models dx and mel can liao. #optimistic

   

time traveller's dress in ash blue from the same collection was also another temptation,
but i didnt get invoiced :x



collection 65, dancing with rainbows culottes in kelly green/electric blue
omg i actually loved all the colors, went keesiao hahahah.
didnt get cause i started working and dress code was pants.
but i managed to psycho pearlyn to buy the electric blue at KJ. #borrow.
 

collection 76: its raining colors was not very temptation filled, in terms of clothes.
but i liked their photoshoot a lot! never knew how rainy days could become so happy.
very cute concept, i like.

 

collection 77, fairylights fishtail skirt in tiffany mint. one of TTR's successful series.
this is the collection which got me a really big headache/heartbreak.
loved the skirt so so so much. favourite !!
but due to considerations over length and practicality i decided not to get it.
later on when restocks came i decided to buy, since i was still lusting over the piece.
AND i forgot to include sizing in the comment.
AND there werent any more backorders for mint!! *fainted*

so i ended up getting the navy one.
mad love the material, its sooooo comfortable.
and in the end it doesnt make me look short. :B

and i heard there's a version three coming out !! #excited ttm




collection 78: wonderland. SUPER CUTE CONCEPT.
the descriptions were so cute la! all fairytale based cause the shoot was done at USS.

"Once upon a time, an evil cackling witch turned the Prince into a frog with a thousand year old spell. In order to save the Prince, the Princess had to give the frog a kiss before the clock strikes 12. She went to the pond and gave the frog a loving kiss, but no Prince appeared. The Fairy God Mother appeared and told the Princess, "My dear, the witch didn't tell you this: That you have to be wearing something happy when you kiss the Prince." The Princess pondered over it for a long time, and just 5 minutes before 12, she told the Fairy God Mother to give her a top full of happy looking polka dots. The Prince turned back into his human form and he lived happily ever after with the Princess."

100 points for creativity. :D

collection 85's tree fairy toga in periwinkle
one of my favourites <3 its a toga. its one of my favourite colors. wtf i want.
mad love this one, but i didnt get invoiced !
and no backorders cause its festive season. emo emo emo.
hopefully similar pieces are in the planning. #optimistic



collection 94's all i wish for cardi blazer in wine red.
FAVOURITE BLAZER of the moment !
ordered this via backorder after much thinking. no regrets!
so damn comfortable and lightweight. slouchy too, so its not too formal.
exactly what i'm looking for please!

  

so tonight will be their 102th collection. huat huat huat!

in my opinion, TTR has done a great job.
they've kept up to date with current trends, and also have their own style.
prices are also kept pocket-friendly, yay for me :B
their quality really is superb. worth every cent. (Y)

in short, love love TTR <3
and thank you for reading this lengthy post. :D

a day to be thankful for.

happy vesak day !
an awesome and fulfilling day on the whole.

so its the first time in 6(?) years that i'm able to spend vesak day relaxing.
cause for the past few years its always been helping out at my parents' chai peng stall.
no complains, but its just a change (:

on this happy saturday, when i FINALLY HAVE A SAT OFF YAY NO WORK,
we decided to go pulau ubin!
levon found this online deal on streetdeal.sg which offers a package for ubin.
cycling + kayaking/snorkeling + free lunch + fish spa at 20 bucks per pax.

6 of us (the girls and ahpok & cs) happily signed up.
who knows we dio scammed, 上了贼船 !

firstly, we went there only to be informed that snorkeling is currently not available.
such a disappointment cause i was kinda looking forward to try it. :/

secondly, the service was super lousy.
you get the impression that the staff doesnt bother about you and feel irritated that you're there -.-

thirdly. lobster spaghetti is like tiger prawn. HAHAHAH.

fourth. the kayak me and ahpok shared nearly capsized !
i have no idea if its my bf's problem or the kayak. maybe both HAHAHAH.
BUT SCARY LA, KEEP SINKING TOWARDS THE END.
i totally dont wanna land headfirst into the dirty looking water please.
some more with the huge fish inside. they look like flat piranhas!

speaking of fish, had our first try at fish spa!
i've been wanting to try this ever since it came out heheh.
the doctor fishes (Garra rufa) slough off the dead skin cells on your feet when you dip em into the pool.
super ticklish sensation, omg we laughed and screamed like shit at first.
then you learn how to tahan and keep calm.
end up it feels quite shiok eh ! and idk but i feel like my legs are smoother HAHAH.

but on a side note i doubt i will dare to try anymore.
cause after i tried to research on these fishes (sok was asking what are they),
i realised tt this type of 'spa' has been banned in some parts of the US due to sanitary concerns.
and UK issued a warning about the spread of blood borne diseases if infected patients bleed into the water.
#scared die #first and last try

cycling. hmm that was both fun and scary too.
ubin is legendary for cycling (and the accidents), so i guess i was abit apprehensive.
prepared alcohol swabs and plasters, levon even more higher level,
she brought chlorohexidine and betadine too, hahahah.
ended up both of us got injured, LOL ! heng only minor scrapes.

*i zoomed down a slope, wtf got difficulty with back brake and couldnt stop in time.
cannot jam front brake some more cause i'll definitely fly. like superman.
heng cs and pok, who alr reached the bottom, stopped my impending doom.
cs pushed his bike forward to cause a 'collision' and break the speed
then pok tried to haul me out of the mess.
maybe cause i was prepared to crash, but i didnt cut myself as badly as the previous time.
this one was right knee slight scrape, right big toe area scrape,
left third toe and left index finger slight sprained feeling. but on the whole, still fine. :B
( previous one required stitches and couldnt stop bleeding :x )

but nevertheless,
I ENJOYED THE DAY AT UBIN. cause i spent it with some of the people i love most <3

and the day/night continued to get better.
because i reached home, logged on to facebook and saw tt i won an fb like and share contest!
organized by my favourite blogshop, the tinsel rack
been supporting them for awhile now, since october 2010. bloody long eh !

gonna do a short appreciation post to show my love for them laterrrr.
because they really are my favourite. :D

AND BEST OF ALL.
i think i finally got the confirmation i wanted.

kept this secret for some time now, but i told my mom about pok alr.
actually jh leaked it out when confronted, and she didnt get mad or upset or what !
in fact she was like, I KNEW IT, I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP.
and then i couldnt deny it (duh), so out came the secret.

so somewhere around march when my dad went genting,
my mom got ahpok to come over for lunch.
and gave me the nod of approval.
HAPPY SHIT ME

but she also warned me not to convert, and tt she intends to tell my dad soon.

and one month later, april, my mom threw the bomb at my dad.
WHICH DIDNT DETONATE. SURPRISINGLY.
wtf i was panicking when jh told me tt he knows.
i even asked her if she wanted to move over t ahma's hse temporarily,
cause i was scared tt he might blame her for keeping such a hugeass secret
turns out to be an unnecessary worry ._.

damn, he didnt throw me out like i initially feared.
he didnt even ignore me, just treated me like normal.
#anti-climax

and today when i officially announced it,
wtf he was even smiling and joking.
HAPPY SHIT ME X 10000.

cant believe that i spent so many years in irrational(?) fear.
all along our plan was to establish ourselves as independent individuals before we told our parents.
this meant finishing our education and establishing our careers,
which we estimated to be 7 years or more.
and in that sense, it would be easier to convince them that there wasnt any problem with interracial r/s.

damn long i know but we were so sure and willing to wait. (:

and i have been craving for this acceptance.
looking at my sister and best friends, i sometimes get this pang of jealousy.
in a sense that, they're able to be accepted by their family. that they dont have to hide or feel guilty.
i wanted to be able to tell my mom any shit abt my bf, but i couldnt. until now at least :D

so today, i'm really very thankful that i finally have the green light from my parents.
thank you mom and dad, for respecting my choice. <3

FOUR YEARS AND FIVE MONTHS I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT.
*pops champagne*

but please dont expect to receive any red invites yet cause ahpok still has to finish his diploma. HAHA.

HOTA

finally received the letter from HOTA.
and I was ready to fill in the yellow form to opt in for MTERA when my mum stopped me.

*just as background info:
- once you hit 21 you're automatically under HOTA, which states tt in the event of brain death, your organs, namely the kidney, liver, heart and cornea, will be harvested and donated.
- MTERA is an optional scheme where you can choose to donate more parts e.g. lung, bones, skin, etc, for medical/treatment or research purposes.
- brain death is different from cardiac death, and there are lots of criteria which you have to fulfil before you are eligible for organ donation.

short rant about the criteria:
WTF ITS SO HARD TO QUALIFY.
must die in hospital, must be brain death.
the only situation where i can think of,
is if someone clobbers me on the head hard enough to make me suffer brain injury.
not as if i want anyone to try la, but its slightly sickening to know that i might not be of help :/


and to be honest, brain death is really a hard fact for people to accept.
cause the person still seems 'alive and breathing', 
as the life support machine is still ensuring that circulation and respiration is continued.
but there will never be any chance of waking up. NEVER.


it takes great strength to switch off the machine, and even more so to allow transplant after that.

so my mom was like, panicking when she heard i was considering donating my organs after death.
literally begged me not to do it, cause she said losing me would be hard enough. :/
actually i hesitated abit after hearing her pleading. for few seconds.
but then i thought of all those people i could potentially help, so yeah sorry mum. not gonna opt out.

and she damn cute, take away the booklet cause she thought she could prevent me from joining the scheme.

actually had discussed this issue over dinner before. with relatives my mum's side.
dont know why we were talking about such a morbid topic though. :B
their points were similar;
about how difficult it would be for the family members to accept, and how the deceased would feel, etc.
because being the religious sort, they believed that the soul would still be present in the body for a period of time after death, and hence any sort of operation would cause the deceased to 'feel' pain.

but.. i'm already dead. keeping my organs with me to the grave would be like bringing my atm card along.
rather than waste it by incineration, why not donate it to the people who need it desperately?
sure i 'might' feel pain, slicing through my skin and fats (wtf),
but what is pain compared to the patients?
they have been waiting for a miracle to happen, and since i can help, i will.

i voiced out my opinion, and the whole table went silent and stared at me LOL. *paiseh*
really, i'm not trying to be brave or 伟大 but its really just how i feel.
i know how important organ donation can be, and how one can change lives.

take my own boyfriend's dad for an example.

he was diagnosed with kidney failure 15 years ago,
and he received a transplant only 3 years back.
thats close to 12 years of weekly dialysis treatments tt he had to go through.
imagine, having to be poked by a thick needle every week for 12 freaking years.


this is a picture of an arterioventricular fistula.
renal failure patients may go through a surgical procedure to create a link between the vein and artery to allow easier blood flow during dialysis.

and if you think its nothing much..



this is how it will look like in the long run.

i first saw a arteriovenous fistula when i was at work.
as the patient rolled up his sleeve for me to take blood, i felt a deep pang of sadness for him.
to think of the pain he had to go through was.. unimaginable.

some other patients i experienced later even had them on BOTH ARMS.
some larger than the photo either, and sometimes you could even see it throbbing, pulsating.

i actually asked some patients if it hurts.
most of them told me. 我习惯了/ i'm used to it already.

... so heartbreaking.
imagine being used to PAIN.

and by some twist of fate i had the honour of poking ahpok's dad himself, LOL.
first patient of the day some more. hahah.

anyway, i realised i digressed a bit, but my main point is,
with the transplant, he never has to worry about the one day where his veins may collapse
and they have to find a different place to poke the needle in.
he can now do without the weekly visits to the dialysis centre, which affected his work,
as well as ahpok's mum who has to accompany him for each visit,
cause dialysis usually leaves the patient feeling weak.
and most important of all, he regained his freedom;
never will he need to depend on a mechanical kidney again.

Organ transplant definitely gives hope to not only the patients, but their family as well.

sure, there might be risks of rejection, which makes the effort goes to nought.
but i believe that if you never try, you may never know what impact you could make.

take it as the last good deed i do before i leave. (:

*and really. if in the event any shit happens to me, (CHOY)
please show this to my parents so they'll understand my wishes.